57 - Don't date..

someone you can play seesaw with one on one...

56 - HD

If you're drivin an HD F250 pickup - is it really necesary to put more HD decals on it?

55 - The shortest distance..

The shortest distance between two places......is for those that don't ride....

54 - Crunchy Peanut Butter

On the side of Walmart Crunchy Peanut Butter - Allergy Warning: Contains Peanuts. Really? Ya think?

52 - Daddy Where do I Come From

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

52 - Daddy Where do I Come From

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

51 - Omar Minaya

Isiah Thomas in spanish.

50 - Abe Beard

Abe Lincoln beards only look good on one person. Abe Lincoln. The beard made Abe look trustworthy. It made the mailman over by Raintree look crazy...like a mailman needs something to HELP with crazy...

49 - Longest Day..

I always hear how some day in the middle of summer is the longest day of the year. Isn't this, the day we roll clocks back, the longest day of the year? It's 25 hours long?

48 - Scoobie Doo...

I think I would have liked Scoobie Doo better if the plot for every episode wasn't exactly the same..

47 - Eggs..

I know it's not earth shattering - but isn't it odd that it takes more water to boil 2 eggs than 6? If you're boiling 6, the eggs displace enough water to cover the eggs. If you're boiling two, there's very little displaced, you have to put in enough water to cover the eggs..

46 - Fathers Don’t let your Son’s Grow up to be Met Fans.

Fathers Don’t let your Son’s Grow up to be Met Fans.


Next week will begin the start of the World Series. It’s most likely to be the Yankees and the Phillies. I'm a Met fan. I live halfway between New York and Philadelphia. I hate both teams.
I am 48. No that’s not the bad part. I became aware of sports at age 8 in 1969. That year, three of the four New York sports teams actually feigned competence. The Mets won the World Series, the Knicks the NBA Championship and the Jets behind Joe Namath, won the Super Bowl. Living in Brooklyn I became a Mets, Knicks, Jets and the cherry on top, Ranger fan. The Rangers and Knicks weren’t really a choice – there was no other hockey team within even a two hour drive of Brooklyn. I could have selected one of the more prominent basketball teams, like the Celtics or Lakers, but with the Knicks being one of the big 3, and Willis limping out onto the court, why in the world would I.
The Yankees were terrible, the Giants were awful, and the Rangers and the awesome Frazier, Monroe, Reed Knicks were always going to be the hot, awesome and only ticket in town. I never expected the terrible joke the cosmos was playing on me.
I’m here to tell you 40 years, and 160 sports seasons later that I'm bitter. I could not have picked a worse possible combination. In fact, there is not a single team that has come to New York since that hasn’t won more championships. The Knicks won the world championship again in 1973 and then went into a 36 year slide that seemed to be a 32 year slow prep for the Zeke years. I was there for the first game of Willis Reeds coaching "career". I hoped Ewing would be Reed.
The Mets won of course one more championship, in 1986. And if it were not for the fact that Bill Buckner is less mobile than a tree, that never would have happened. I truly believe that the only reason for the Mets 1986 success was that the Red Sox curse was just that much stronger than my personal sports cosmos induced hell.
The Rangers of course won one Stanley cup – lets not talk about the fact atht 25 odd years of them acting like they could, and not. By the time the Rangers won, I had firmly come off the bandwagon and it was far too late to get back on. And their performance since makes it seem like it was simply a trying to drag me back in for another 30 years of disappointment
That puts me at 3 championships in 160 sports seasons.
I have heard over and over about the horrible fate of the Cubs fan. I get it. I better than anyone. I feel for them, until I think about Da Bears. And Da Black Hawks. Heck, Da Bulls, who all by themselves, in less


Edmonton Pop 700,000 Rings 5



than a ten year period have twice my personal championships.
Little burgs like San Antonio, with only a basketball team, kick my butt. There isn’t a big city around that doesn't double my fourty year total easily. I have tremendous empathy for the people of Seattle (2). I can’t begin to feel for those one team towns, like Portland, with only a basketball team with one championship. I’m sure they’ve picked up allegiance to other sports teams out of San Fran, LA, or heaven help us, Seattle.
I could have picked any other reasonable combination – swapped the Rangers for the Devils or the Islanders. The Jets for the Giants. Knicks for
the Nets. And been better off.
You only live once. Everyone should get to celebrate a reasonable amount of championships. I’ve seen more victory parades for the Colorado Avalanche than all my New York teams combined (I used to work closely with a company in Denver, I was too young for the Knick parade in ’73, too disenchanted for the Ranger parade so my personal parade count - one, 1986).
You cannot change the team you route for. No matter how much I try to like the Yankees, even with visit after visit with clients and friends (people from ANYWHERE ELSE want to go to see the Yankees, never the Mets) I am a Met Fan. And a Knick fan. And a Jet fan (I’ll admit I have been able to route for the Cowboys, but I’m still deep down a Jet fan).
Fathers, please be very careful on the sports teams you let your sons, and daughters, become fans on. Their lifetime sports happiness depends on it. And above all – don’t follow in the teams my son’s made. He’s 8. He’s already picked the Mets (and his Mom, my ex, is a Yankee fan…so close) and I’m afraid he’s gonna follow in my footsteps (it doesn’t look like Minaya is leaving anytime soon).
So here I am. 2009. The Yankees, the other team in New York, is going to play the Phils in the World Series. I hate the Phils and their obnoxious fans along with the Flyers. True regional rivalry. I drive 20 minutes south and every car has 20 Phillie stickers on it. I mean, what is a Phillie anyway (OK, not exactly a compelling argument coming from a Met-ropolitan fan).
The Yankees of course are the local competition, winners of 26 championships and of course their fans are get-in-your-face obnoxious. Not just the best baseball team, but the best sports team ever they claim. I don't just have to go heads up Seaver vs. Stottlemeyer, I gotta deal with DiMaggio, Ruth, Berra and Gehrig.

Well, I gotta make a choice. And frankly, I think I hate the Phillies, the Mets natural rivals, that I’m actually going to route for the Yankees. Which give my track record, isn’t really that good for the Yankees.

Last night the Angels won Game 5. A reasonable World Series is possible. In all my wildest dreams, who would have thought I'd be rooting for the California Angels of Anaheim California? I gotta go see who's on their roster..

45 - How do you know..

I've learned that there's two ways to know there's trouble in your marriage. When she sleeps as far on her corner of the bed as possible, that's trouble. When she puts a password on her email or computer, it's worse.

Just remember - you can't sleep on the edges of the bed forever. You need to move one way or the other..

44 - Climate Control

The climate control in my car will maintain temps between 58 and 86. I'm trying to figure for what reason, other than trying to get down to fight in a lower weight class, I'd want to ride around at 85 degrees farenheit..

43 - Where not to be..

So I had a friend overseas near the two earthquakes in Asia, and I see, a Tsunami warning was issued for a number of cities including Phuket, Thailand. Now I'm sorry, but with earthquakes and Tsunami's goin on, I'm not staying in a place called Phuket...

42 - Workin..

Why do people say "Workin like a dog..". My dog doesn't do much work..realy..

41 - Bathroom

I just walked out to the bathroom at work. There is a sign "Bathroom Closed for Cleaning". Now that's okay, because I always walk out to the bathroom when I have to go in 45 minutes, never because I have to go RIGHT THEN..

40 - Mens Should Smell Like..

The Herd "we like our men smelling faintly of cologne, faintly of scotch and faintly of success..."

39 - SVP - Pizza without Cheese..

Pizza has to have cheese - and nothing green on pizza either, it's not like Broccoli is gonna make Peperoni and Broccoli pizza healthy!!

I love a white pizza which is JUST dough and 4 cheeses!!! Cheese is the last ingredient I'd take off pizza - cook sauce and cheese and put it on my hand and I'll eat it. Heck, I'll eat just melted cheese...

38 - Salesman..

I got called a fat old salesman today. I got ticked. I'm not a salesman..

37 - Mauve

Mauve was created so that women can have pink carpet, without man having to call it pink...

36 - Makeover Home Edition

When I'm working on a Saturday like today, I watch TV on the computer. In most shows its pretty easy to figure out when it's a new episode on most shows - except for Makeover Home Edition. There are exactly 2 minutes of unique footage on the family - the res? Show me the house, wow it's awful, wow crazy demo, amazing build with lots of folks for a week, big come home, Busdriver move that bus!, amazing house with everybody being amazed, you want to see the rest of your house, well go ahead, welcome home XX family, welcome home. Don't get me wrong, I'm ballin every single time. It's just exactly the same!!

BTW, talk about a show that's gone over the top - they used to fix the old house. Now, they show you the old house, demo it, and build a whole new one with a team of thousands from a local builder. So why show us the disgusting bathroom in the old house, without running water, if you're just gonna wreck it with a flaming dinosaur?

35 - What have we learned today..

How do you break up with a Jewish Girl? Use the words "Oral Sex" in a sentence..

34 - Alimony

Is it a coincidence that if you rearrange the letters in Al-i-mon-y just a bit, it's Al(l)-mi-mon(e)y?

33 - 1/2

1/2 Italian 1/2 Polish - make yourself an offer you can't understand..

32 - Operating Rooms..

32 - Friends son just had a five hour operation. I don't know about you, I don't like standing for five hours. Is it like on TV with the surgeons standing the whole time, or do these guys roll around on little bar stools..

31 - Evie Schubert Quote..

on her way to get her sun while her moon and starzz are on the way..

how poetic..

30 - Pick a Designated Tweeter..

We've all done it - it's 2:30 in the morning. You've had a few. You put a dime in the phone or pick up the cell and dial. You get her, or her machine and you tell her how much you love/hate/want her (yes a booty call).

In the morning, you don't even remember the call. Of course, you can check the cell that you made the call. It's 2009. A friend took a sleeping pill and IM'd me yesterday - a bit more sexually explicit than normal. But today she got up, and did't remember IM me at all. BUT when she sat down, Facebook played back her Ambien assisted IM, word for word. She sent a note to apologize (I hadn't given it a second thought - just how wild do you think a soccer mom is gonna get?)

Be safe. Pick a designated tweeter.

29 - Facebook - Good of Bad?

Someone posted yesterday "Facebook is bull, you stopped talking to these people for a reason." I don't agree. In High School and College we had hundreds of friends and prob thousands of acquaintances. And men were making ALL of our decisions based on hormones. We left many people behind that we should have stayed in touch with then, or that we like as grown ups that we did't like as kids.

I also think that we started to move all over with planes and cars in the 60's thru the 90's, yet only recently did technology catch up where we can actually stay in touch with a lot of old friends.

28 - Breaking Up at 47..

People who get married at 23 just don't get it. Having been married for many years, they have no idea what it's like, even if you've been in and out of relationships and marriages, to be near half a century old and not found someone. If you find someone you like, it takes a bit of time to open your heart. I mean, you've been at this for 35, 40, 45 years and each and every person that's come into your life has NOT been the one. If you meet someone and you crack your heart JUST A LITTLE, you turn up the wick on the pilot light JUST A LITTLE, when you think, after half a century on this planet, may be the person who could make you want to get up every day.

It's difficult when someone snuffs the light out when it's a pilot. It's way harder when you've turned it up just a bit..

27 - Mall Security

Are these old men riding around the mall parking lot in jeeps that say "Security" really doing anything? I mean, aren't thiefs smart enough to wait till they get to the other side of the parking lot?

26 - Men and Women

I'm not sure why women complain. Women are very difficult to figure out. But men? Women have it easy. You want to figure out a man, pretend your a penis. Thats it..

25 - Life..

life. just like I pictured it. only littered with assholes and ingrates, speed bumps and detours. Actually, nothing like I pictured it..

24 - Rock..

Friend says to me "Rock & Roll & Ride" is short, sweet, to the point (as opposed to me, but thats another topic). What is "& Roll". It's Rock. What does adding "& Roll" add? What does it mean? We don't put a guitar riff on a bun. The dudes on stage don't roll around all that often. Frankly, Rock & Mosh is more accurate. Roll goes better with Ride than it does with Rock..

23 - Harley ask "Why do you ride.."

chicks...

2 hours of quiet, separated from the world, listening to one of the two or three greatest sounds ever, an hour stop for some good grub with your buds, followed by a couple of hour hops, maybe with a cigar or coffee stop on the way back. The ride is like being free, nipping around corners on slices of tire, maybe Bon Jovi says it best 'on a steel horse I ride'. I ride cause I'm free, it's exciting, its a great thrill to kick a roads butt, and cause there are always great people around.

Did I mention chicks?

22 - Pasta - WTF?

I'm Jewish. You know what we used to have for sauce until I was like 12? Ketchup. Right out of the bottle. And usually on egg noodles. So if you think you like pasta, think about me, walking into Il Whatever, and ordering real sauce on real pasta and going "OMG WHAT IS THIS AND BRING ME MORE". I'm pretty much the same way on Ham, particularly Capicolla and Proscuitto, hard cheese and Split Pea soup (it's a totally different soup without the ham)...

21 - Utz

Utz in the rear view mirror is Stu...

20 - Black and Tan

Why to they call it a Black and Tan? Guiness is black but Bass is red!?!?

19 - Salad for Dinner

A salad is not dinner. Seems no matter how much salad I have, unless there's a MEAT involved, I'm hungry in an hour. It's as if my body is saying "you had the salad, where's the meal.." Almost a Pavlovian reaction - "I had Ceasar salad, that means a Ruth's Chris Rib Eye's comin..."

18 - The Dancing Boy and the Dog

So I took a video because my son was dancing in the house to Cotten Eye Joe, and the dog is sitting in front of him looking at him, then at me then the kitchen and back. I watched it two or three times and she seems to be saying "look at this ridiculous movement he's doing - and he gets to eat at the table and me off the floor - he shits INSIDE and I shit OUTSIDE - Look AT HIM - I think you got this all backwards.." She eventually heads off to the kitchen disgusted..

17 - Band Name..

Listening to the radio - must give Colin Cowherd props for this. If he were to start a band he'd call it "Free Beer". That way the marquis (sp?) would read "Free Beer Tonight".

Think if they opened for Barenaked Ladies...Do I have to spell it out for you?

16 - Face Shots

Have you ever dated a face shot? I was new to Internet dating and mistakenly dated the women who only showed the face shots. You know what that means? She outweighs you by at least 100 lbs.

Is she's trying to get a man, or simply causing first dates to run out screaming?

Things heard from the man within 10 minutes of most face shot first dates:
"it's really nice to meet new friends.."
my mom just called and I've got to pick her up from Bingo
who the F are you lady?
when is the woman in the picture getting here?
we gotta take your truck to the movie, my car only seats 4..

15 - Cold Texas Winters

I really belong in Dallas - I'm a boots and jeans with a Tux kinda guy. So one of my favorite radio stations, if not my favorite is 93.3 The Bone, the Rock of Texas or something like that. So I'm listening, we've got 4 or 5 inches of snow up here, but not a road closing and Dallas has two or three freeways closed, ramps closed all over the place and it ends with an advertisement "Cold Dallas winters can be tough on your battery, come on in to xxxx to get a new battery.."

14 - Jack

Why do people named John go by Jack? Bill is short for William. Fred is short for Frederick. Jack is not "short" for John. It's not like you lop 3 letters off John and get Jack. It's not a nickname - it's a different name. I don't know anyone named Jack who goes by John. "Hi, my real name is Jack Nicolson, but you can call me John.."

13 - New York City Rules

Rule #1 - don't look up at buildings. Rule #2 - do not make eye contact or say hello no matter how nice they look Rule #3 - do not obey walking/traffic rules such as walk/don't walk Rule #4 - do not be polite Rule #5 - no picture taking (too late right?) Rule #6 - if it stops within 100 feet it's your cab no matter how many old/pregnant ladies are waiting Rule #7 - act like that WASN'T Shakira even if it was. Rule #8 - Carnegie for Lunch is borderline tourist so you must be careful - Corned Beef or Pastrami with mustard, russian dressing, cole slaw or swiss cheese. Mayonaise is strictly forbidden - its so tourist the waiters will mug you on your way out..

12 - Martin Luther King

I guess it's a special Martin Luther King birthday with Barach Obama being sworn in as President the following day.

Now, does this solidify the place of Equal Opportunity programs, or show us that they are no longer needed? I'm with the latter - I think it's time we can start to cut back some. What do you think?